to my ex-boyfriend, christopher. I’m done with you and your childishness.
But I just think it could
Cause I haven’t tried as hard as I should
To separate you from everything I do
But I would never want to come between us two
I’ll keep your memory vague
So you won’t feel bad about me
I’ll say the things that you said
Sometimes so it reminds me
Now I’m thinking back
To what I said before
I hope your heart won’t have to hurt anymore
Cause it’s really not that sad from here
Because the moments I can feel you near
They keep you close to me my dear
And if they ever become too clear…
Now you’ve gone away
Don’t worry it’s ok
That you’re gone away
Further than yesterday
But you’ll never leave these scenes
My mind replays
Where in the world have you gone now?
July
I hate insomnia. I can never sleep, and when I do, I wake up several times during the night just tossing and turning. I can never get comfortable, it’s too hot, it’s too cold, My head hurts, my eyes are moving way too fast and my thoughts even faster. Maybe I stress too much, but it’s just, I am lucky if I can get to bed at 2A.M. But, it’s as if that’s the only time I have for myself to think. Think about what’s going on with mom, dad, wonder what’s going on with my friends, my grandparents, and wonder if I will do better my 11th grade year. Everything gets to me, and I cannot sleep. Then, when I am finally able to push all the thoughts to the back of my mind, I can’t get comfortable. It’s non-stop. Me and my mom almost have the same sleep pattern now. She’s never been able to sleep really, but for different reasons. My bed is a bitch, the couch feels as though there was cushion in it but someone stole it, the floor is super hard, and mom’s bed is occupied with her and doug. But, on to more things.
Ava will be three years old on July 12. Gosh, she’s so big. It seems like just yesterday she was born. Boy was that and experience. Haha. But, Jess is coming over for cake and ice cream on Saturday for Ava’s birthday. It should be fun.
Fourth of July…..hmm, what can I say, fireworks. Fireworks, food, and finding Five dollars on the side of the road, were the highlights of that day. But the best thing was Ava’s reaction to the fireworks, her face was brighter than the grand finale…Until she got bored and started to whine. Haha. But over all, it was decent. Aubri pinched my butt, it was weird. We(me, doug, brianna, dylan, montanna, and ava) had a good time. Mom, however, did not feel good. Poor mom.
But, I am going to make an attempt at sleep. Bye.
Fun times at the open house!
Today was so much fun. I got to see Jess again, and then other people I haven’t seen for a while. I told her why I never asked her to come hang out. I didn’t want her to waste her money on gas and what not. But, I am going to call her this week, and we are definitely hanging out. That is my goal for the week. “Hang out with Jess”. I was actually a little scared that she was going to be upset with me because of the fact that I never called her, but she wasn’t, which I was happy for. But, it was a good night. Brie and Lindsey got attacked by Caleb and Derek; HILARIOUS! Aunt Beth got hammered…from her smirnoff twists. Ha-Ha. I think she is still hammered in her bedroom talking to people on her cell. Ha-Ha. Imagine those phone conversations. Mom got buzzed, and then proceeded to drive us home; I was not comfortable with it at all. But whatever. But, it was a night everyone needed. It was fun.
-Samm d’Massacre
Things are getting better and better. I am getting happier and happier. Things are looking up. Me and Nathan are still getting to know each other, but, he’s definitely a great guy. He’s witty, cute, nice, thoughtful, etc. Mom already wants to meet him, but I am not sure if that’s a good idea. I mean, I have only known the guy for about a week at the most, so, it’s not like we are dating. We just like each other. So, he probably shouldn’t meet my mom yet. She doesn’t think it matters how long we’ve known each other. But, I am just doing what I think I should do… which is not introduce him to my mom yet. Maybe soon, but I don’t know for sure.
So!……..Me and Brianna got into a fight today. Not physical, at least not on my part. She tried punching at me, but I blocked it. You do not know how bad I wanted to just hit her. Just one punch….square in the side of the head. But I didn’t. I kept my cool, and told her to back up. Eventually she did. The only thing keeping me from hitting her was knowing that she wasn’t worth the grounding. Oh, and me continuously calling her fat. Might be a bit harsh, but when someone swings at me, the last thing I am worried about is being polite. At that point, their feelings are the last thing on my mind. But, never hit her, when the old me would have “fuck it… hit the girl. She swung at you, correct her. Hit her right in the jaw.” Shows how I have changed. And I am proud of myself for being the grown up in the situation.
-No longer an immature child-Samm d’Massacre
The Leap.
I am taking that leap. I am meeting a guy today, and I hope it goes well. Aubri was the one who said she wanted to set me up with her friend, and I decided to let her. He’s very attractive, she says he is artistic, funny, nice, etc. She also told me that he’s the guy version of me. Ha-Ha. But, we will see how this all ends up. Hopefully it works. I mean, I took forever this morning to get ready, so that I make a good impression. Anyway, other things in life-
1. I am actually leaving the house now.
2. Things are getting better between me and my parents.
3. The end of my sophomore year is in 2 days!
Yeah, that is sort of all I can think of right now, but I am happier. I’ve definitely had more reasons to smile these days. More reasons to laugh. And I love it. But, wish me luck. I really want things to work.
-Samm d’Massacre
Girls Night
Well, tonight I finally got out of the house for a change, and it wasn’t for babysitting. I babysat last night, earned 40 bucks, and then tonight me and Kayles had a “Girls Night”. We went shopping, then went to a Chinese Buffet, and came home and ordered a movie on Pay Per View. I had fun. Me and her haven’t hung out together for a while, sure I come over here sometimes, but usually one of us is on the computer, or I just sit and watch T.V. So, tonight we actually hung out. It was the first time riding in a car with her since the accident, but it went well. I sat in the backseat..Ha-Ha. She said, “You don’t trust me?”, and I told her not to take it personal, I don’t really sit in the front with ANYONE unless for some reason I am obligated to. Or unless its about midnight in Cedar because no one else is really driving. Yeah. Anyway, we had a lot of fun tonight. Bye.
Samm d’Massacre
Lilies on my neck
Well, the birthday celebration is over. It sucks, but it was fun while it lasted. Yesterday I got my tattoo… didn’t hurt that bad. There were definitely spots that made me cringe, like on the bone on the back of my neck, but other than that it was fine. It took about an hour. He actually added in more detail and everything, free of charge, because it was my first tattoo, and cos it was my birthday. My dad, Uncle, mom, and Aunt might have also had something to do with it, haha.
Overall, I am pretty happy with my 16th birthday. I got clothes, books(”Glass” by: Ellen Hopkins, and “The memory Keeper’s daughter”), notebook, pens, crocks, jewelry, tattoo, and more. It was a good birthday. Tonight we are having my birthday dinner because Doug, Dylan, and Brandon are going to be back tonight. They had a “Father, Son” weekend with Doug’s dad. So, now that they’ll be back, we can all have roast, potatoes, gravy, carrots and Brownies. But, back to whatever. pce.
-Samm d’Massacre
sweet sixteen
Well, lucky me. My ovarian sist is gone. Mom said something about my body absorbing it. So, that’s out of the way. This weekend I’m turning sixteen. Excited! Here’s the Game Plan:
1.) Thursday- Going to dinner with mom and Doug. I think I heard mom talking about “The Red Wok”. I love Chinese, so yeah. But, we are still playing it by ear.
2.) Friday- As soon as I get home from school, I will be leaving again. Grandma T. is going to pick me up, take me shopping and I am staying the night at her house.
3.) Saturday- HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!Grandma is going to meet up with mom somewhere in the Belding area, and drop me off to mom. From there, we’re going to “Stigma Tattoo Shop” in Belding. I have an appointment there at noon. Mom, me, and Aunt Beth will go there, and Jess is going to meet us there.
So, 3 days of Birthday Celebration. Yay! Mom’s also getting the band around her wrist touched up. So, nothing like getting inked with your mom. HaHa. Sweet Ink, for my Sweet Sixteen. I am excited, not just cos of shopping, eating awesome Chinese food, and getting my first tattoo, but also cos I get to see Jess. I have not seen her for quite a while. I miss hanging out with her. Things have just been busy and hecktic for everyone. But, hey, summer’s coming up! Yay!
But, I am going to get back to school work and High School stuff. pce.
-Samm d’Massacre
March of Dimes Walk
Tomorrow, me, mom, and Brie are going to Fremont and meeting up with Sabrina and others to do the March of Dimes Walk. We have shirts that are “Team Eme Lou”. I’m doing this because I have friends and family that have been hurt by premature birth. My second cousin Sabrina is one of them. So, I am doing the walk for the people I know personally that have suffered, and the people all over the world I don’t even know. I am only one person, but even one person can help make a difference. And that’s exactly what I plan on helping to do. I am looking forward to it, I just hope the weather cooperates. It’s raining, thundering, and lightning over here, so I hope the weather is decent tomorrow. It’s Michigan, so who knows.
Samm d’Massacre
catscan results
They got the catscan results back and I have an ovarian sist. It’s about 2 centimeters big and it’s on my right ovary. Which explains why it always hurt more so on my right side. So, I have my ulcers with stomach pain and my ovarian sist with pain. Yay. Not. On the up side, I am not doing too bad in school. For as much school as I have been missing, I am not doing bad, even Mr. Annerino( Dean of Students) says so. So, that’s a good thing. But, nothing much else to report on. For now anyway. HaHa. I’m never safe. Just Kidding. Bye.
