Cat Scan in Greenville.

I went to the Hospital in Greenville today for a cat scan on my stomach. Hopefully all goes well, and they figure out why I am in pain. It wasn’t that bad, the worst part believe it or not, was drinking the stuff that outlines your stomach and intestines to get a better picture. The IV was weird too! It made me all warm and light headed and dizzy. It made me feel like I peed my pants..haha. Luckily I didn’t. My arm bled   too, I have never seen it bleed like that before. But, we had Kayliegh watch Ava while we went to the hospital, and let me just say, me and mom were not happy when we came back. Ava, she’s only 2 years old, was on the trampoline in the back yard, by herself. Then Derek walked out. Kayliegh was in the house. And Derek is only 6 years old, sure he might prevent her from leaving the fenced in area, but is she was to fall off and break her neck or hit something, he couldn’t exactly help her. So, mom goes inside and says “Kayliegh, she’s two years old, she can’t be out there by herself”. Kayliegh says “But Derek’s watching her”. Mom  stated that he is only 6 years old, and Kayliegh says “Oh, don’t worry he won’t let her out of the fenced area”. Umm, hey Kayliegh, that is not all we are worried about, its her getting hurt, and being in the care of a 6 year old. And when I walked into the yard to grab Ava, Kayliegh came to the window all smiling and said “Back already, huh?”. I was a bit upset, so, I didn’t say a word to her. I mean, Ava isn’t my daughter, but common sense should tell a person “Maybe I shouldn’t leave the two and six year old in the back yard by themselves..just maybe.”

Okay, that was a semi-angry rant. Sorry. Anyway, I have been out of school everyday but Monday this week, due to my stomach pain, and I want it gone! Finally figure out the right amount of medication to take to get rid of the pain. 1 and a half Ultram(idk exactly how to spell it), and one regular acetaminophen/tylenol. No Ibuprofen. I am mainly afraid that my teachers will not understand and will just flunk me, without letting me explain. So, I have to tell them, and the office about my stomach problems, and hope they will understand. So, that’s mainly it for today. pce.

–Samm d’Massacre– 

Day of Silence activist!

This year I will be participating in the Day of Silence. This is to help bring attention to the harmful things that are being said and done to gays, lesbians, bi-sexuals, and trans gendered americans. It is happening in public, on TV, and sadly in our schools. Middle School, Elementary School, and High School. The Day of Silence this year is held for Lawrence King. He was an 8th grade student, like any other kid, except one thing. He was gay, and he was killed for it. The Day of Silence each year is to try and help bring peace to the gay community. I myself was tormented, picked on, hit, and more for being bi-sexual. I “came out of the closet” about 4 and a half years ago, and I got so much crap for it. I lost friends, I didn’t really get invited to stay the night anywhere anymore, it was hell. But you know what, looking back on everything I have been through, because of my sexual orientation, I pity those who picked on me. Because homophobes, are ignorant. And as much as it sucked, I thank them… in a way they made me stronger. They gave me more determination to fight for what I, and many others believe in. Which is that we are all equal. And just because you are Gay, Bi, Transgendered, Black, White, or whatever… does not mean you should have different rights that others. Does not mean that you should have marriage taken away from you in certain States and Countries because you are a man who wants to marry another man. It doesn’t mean that you should be called names like “faggot”, or “queer”. I am sick and tired of racial slurs.. from my “friends”, classmates, dad, grandpa…everyone. I hate homophobic remarks as well. When I hear my own family say hurtful things about a gay friend of mine or something, it makes me feel like if they found out about me, they would be upset, pissed off, and maybe disown me. That’s my dad’s side of the family. My mom already knows. And I thank her for supporting me.

“Please understand my reasons for not speaking today. I support lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender rights. People who are silent today believe that laws and attitudes should be inclusive of people of all sexual orientations and gender identities. GLSEN’S Day of Silence is to draw attention to those who have been silenced by hatred, oppression, and prejudice. Think about the voices you are not hearing. What can you do to end the silence?” -GLSEN

come clean

Why do things have to be so difficult?..

This always happens. I go for the people that are bad for me, or older, or unavailable, or any combination of the three. I have decided not to go further with this guy in Caledonia… He is kind of boring. Very Quiet. I don’t like being the only one talking. But, I have been iterested in this guy for a while. But, even though I try and try to put it in the past and forget it… I seem to have trouble doing it. “It’s for the best, for both of you..” is what I tell myself. And it is, to just forget about it and move on, for the best… but I cannot get my head around the thought of actually doing it. Now, he doesn’t know that this is how I feel… but, I am pretty sure he can tell. Which doesn’t actually bother me. I probably won’t act on any of this.. but it just bugs me to keep this inside of me. It has been building up, and its time to release. No names. No hints. Just simple as this…

I like someone that I will never be able to have. [1]

I want to be with a person I cannot be with.

And as much as it sucks, I can live with that.

 

[1]- No eric, don’t flatter yourself. It’s not you.

Well, I found out a couple days ago my dad has a new girlfriend. She’s a bit older than him, has a fourteen year old son, and a set of seventeen year old twins, one boy and one girl. I am getting the guilt trip from my sister because I stated that I don’t want to meet his new girlfriend yet. Dad told me that he has “someone very special” for me/us to meet…this weekend. Dude, I just found out about her a couple days ago, and after only knowing about her for a week, he expects me to jump up and down about meeting her.. I don’t think so. I am not saying “I never want to see her, I don’t want anything to do with her ever”. Not at all. It’s just, even though they as a “couple” might be ready for us to meet, me as his daughter, am not ready.  But, I wish my sister would shut up about it, ” So what, are you just going to ignore every girlfriend he ever gets… What is your problem, you’re going to make him feel bad… just cos him and Brooke didn’t work out, doesn’t mean you have to say ’screw you’ to his next couple girlfriends, you always do this, boo hoo, shut up… You can’t avoid it forever, maybe you will end up liking her”. Okay, I never said I wouldn’t like her, and I never said that I never want to meet her, and I most definitely have not ignored his other girlfriends after him and Brooke split… as I recall there was Tammy, and I liked her.. until she dumped my dad for her ex-husband. Then there was Crazy Karla, I liked her. She let me drive her damn car for pete’s sake. She would talk to me like we were friends, but I knew very well that we weren’t really friends. She was sweet to me, gave me shoes, made me laugh… I got along with her almost as well as me and Brooke got along. But I guess those last and only two other relationships he’s had since Brooke do not count. Oh well.

Another thing I found out about my dad, is he is a bit more of a douche bag than I thought he was. He doesn’t want to buy my sister a two piece bathing suit because she “won’t look good in one”. She took that very hard because she struggles with her weight, and it pissed me off cos that’s my sister. As much as we fight and call each other names, she is still my sister. And no one has the right to insult her like that. He said “her body type isn’t ‘appropriate’ for a two piece, why not get a one piece”. The funny thing is, I was thinking of finally forgiving him for all the things he did and said in the past, to me and my siblings, but thats just another reminder that maybe he isn’t worth forgiving. Not saying my dad isn’t worth anything, its just, its insult after insult. And I am tired of it. And when you try talking to him about things like that, he gets very defensive, he ignores you, yells over you, and looks away. He also grits his teeth. At least I am not afraid of him anymore.

On a happier note, School is going great. I am having trouble in two classes, but I am working on them. Those two classes are economics, and grammar for writing. The English language is very complex, with so many rules, its ridiculous. What’s awesome is I have an A- in Government. Just barely passing Algebra Z(It’s a slower math class, for people who have trouble, like me) with a D. Passing Economics with a D. I have an A in Strategic Reading Class(My favourite class, cos its all about reading). But, things with school are going great. Another Happy note, I sort of met a guy. I met him on Facebook… I said I would never meet a guy on the Internet and consider anything with him, but I will try this out. We aren’t “dating” or anything like that at all yet, we are mainly getting to know each other. “Testing the waters”, if you will. He is very nice, he’s not my typical type, but maybe that’s a good thing since the last couple guys that were my “type” were failures and asses. He is a country boy, he loves working on trucks/cars, mudding, things like that. He is almost 17, which is okay cos I will be 16 in a month and 2 days. Who knows, maybe something could come of this, maybe not. We will just have to see what happens.

On a different note, they took my blood tests again a couple weeks ago and had to put me back on the medication cos the H. Pylori was still there, and higher than they’d like. So, I just have to finish the morning medication and I am done. They said that if it doesn’t work this time, they will have to do an endoscope. Which I don’t really want, but if necessary, then fine. Also, mom said that if they find my ulcer(s) they might cauterize them. So yeah.

And that’s all thats really happening. pce.

–Samm d’Massacre–