July
I hate insomnia. I can never sleep, and when I do, I wake up several times during the night just tossing and turning. I can never get comfortable, it’s too hot, it’s too cold, My head hurts, my eyes are moving way too fast and my thoughts even faster. Maybe I stress too much, but it’s just, I am lucky if I can get to bed at 2A.M. But, it’s as if that’s the only time I have for myself to think. Think about what’s going on with mom, dad, wonder what’s going on with my friends, my grandparents, and wonder if I will do better my 11th grade year. Everything gets to me, and I cannot sleep. Then, when I am finally able to push all the thoughts to the back of my mind, I can’t get comfortable. It’s non-stop. Me and my mom almost have the same sleep pattern now. She’s never been able to sleep really, but for different reasons. My bed is a bitch, the couch feels as though there was cushion in it but someone stole it, the floor is super hard, and mom’s bed is occupied with her and doug. But, on to more things.
Ava will be three years old on July 12. Gosh, she’s so big. It seems like just yesterday she was born. Boy was that and experience. Haha. But, Jess is coming over for cake and ice cream on Saturday for Ava’s birthday. It should be fun.
Fourth of July…..hmm, what can I say, fireworks. Fireworks, food, and finding Five dollars on the side of the road, were the highlights of that day. But the best thing was Ava’s reaction to the fireworks, her face was brighter than the grand finale…Until she got bored and started to whine. Haha. But over all, it was decent. Aubri pinched my butt, it was weird. We(me, doug, brianna, dylan, montanna, and ava) had a good time. Mom, however, did not feel good. Poor mom.
But, I am going to make an attempt at sleep. Bye.
Things are getting better and better. I am getting happier and happier. Things are looking up. Me and Nathan are still getting to know each other, but, he’s definitely a great guy. He’s witty, cute, nice, thoughtful, etc. Mom already wants to meet him, but I am not sure if that’s a good idea. I mean, I have only known the guy for about a week at the most, so, it’s not like we are dating. We just like each other. So, he probably shouldn’t meet my mom yet. She doesn’t think it matters how long we’ve known each other. But, I am just doing what I think I should do… which is not introduce him to my mom yet. Maybe soon, but I don’t know for sure.
So!……..Me and Brianna got into a fight today. Not physical, at least not on my part. She tried punching at me, but I blocked it. You do not know how bad I wanted to just hit her. Just one punch….square in the side of the head. But I didn’t. I kept my cool, and told her to back up. Eventually she did. The only thing keeping me from hitting her was knowing that she wasn’t worth the grounding. Oh, and me continuously calling her fat. Might be a bit harsh, but when someone swings at me, the last thing I am worried about is being polite. At that point, their feelings are the last thing on my mind. But, never hit her, when the old me would have “fuck it… hit the girl. She swung at you, correct her. Hit her right in the jaw.” Shows how I have changed. And I am proud of myself for being the grown up in the situation.
-No longer an immature child-Samm d’Massacre
catscan results
They got the catscan results back and I have an ovarian sist. It’s about 2 centimeters big and it’s on my right ovary. Which explains why it always hurt more so on my right side. So, I have my ulcers with stomach pain and my ovarian sist with pain. Yay. Not. On the up side, I am not doing too bad in school. For as much school as I have been missing, I am not doing bad, even Mr. Annerino( Dean of Students) says so. So, that’s a good thing. But, nothing much else to report on. For now anyway. HaHa. I’m never safe. Just Kidding. Bye.
come clean
Why do things have to be so difficult?..
This always happens. I go for the people that are bad for me, or older, or unavailable, or any combination of the three. I have decided not to go further with this guy in Caledonia… He is kind of boring. Very Quiet. I don’t like being the only one talking. But, I have been iterested in this guy for a while. But, even though I try and try to put it in the past and forget it… I seem to have trouble doing it. “It’s for the best, for both of you..” is what I tell myself. And it is, to just forget about it and move on, for the best… but I cannot get my head around the thought of actually doing it. Now, he doesn’t know that this is how I feel… but, I am pretty sure he can tell. Which doesn’t actually bother me. I probably won’t act on any of this.. but it just bugs me to keep this inside of me. It has been building up, and its time to release. No names. No hints. Just simple as this…
I like someone that I will never be able to have. [1]
I want to be with a person I cannot be with.
And as much as it sucks, I can live with that.
[1]- No eric, don’t flatter yourself. It’s not you.
Well, I found out a couple days ago my dad has a new girlfriend. She’s a bit older than him, has a fourteen year old son, and a set of seventeen year old twins, one boy and one girl. I am getting the guilt trip from my sister because I stated that I don’t want to meet his new girlfriend yet. Dad told me that he has “someone very special” for me/us to meet…this weekend. Dude, I just found out about her a couple days ago, and after only knowing about her for a week, he expects me to jump up and down about meeting her.. I don’t think so. I am not saying “I never want to see her, I don’t want anything to do with her ever”. Not at all. It’s just, even though they as a “couple” might be ready for us to meet, me as his daughter, am not ready. But, I wish my sister would shut up about it, ” So what, are you just going to ignore every girlfriend he ever gets… What is your problem, you’re going to make him feel bad… just cos him and Brooke didn’t work out, doesn’t mean you have to say ’screw you’ to his next couple girlfriends, you always do this, boo hoo, shut up… You can’t avoid it forever, maybe you will end up liking her”. Okay, I never said I wouldn’t like her, and I never said that I never want to meet her, and I most definitely have not ignored his other girlfriends after him and Brooke split… as I recall there was Tammy, and I liked her.. until she dumped my dad for her ex-husband. Then there was Crazy Karla, I liked her. She let me drive her damn car for pete’s sake. She would talk to me like we were friends, but I knew very well that we weren’t really friends. She was sweet to me, gave me shoes, made me laugh… I got along with her almost as well as me and Brooke got along. But I guess those last and only two other relationships he’s had since Brooke do not count. Oh well.
Another thing I found out about my dad, is he is a bit more of a douche bag than I thought he was. He doesn’t want to buy my sister a two piece bathing suit because she “won’t look good in one”. She took that very hard because she struggles with her weight, and it pissed me off cos that’s my sister. As much as we fight and call each other names, she is still my sister. And no one has the right to insult her like that. He said “her body type isn’t ‘appropriate’ for a two piece, why not get a one piece”. The funny thing is, I was thinking of finally forgiving him for all the things he did and said in the past, to me and my siblings, but thats just another reminder that maybe he isn’t worth forgiving. Not saying my dad isn’t worth anything, its just, its insult after insult. And I am tired of it. And when you try talking to him about things like that, he gets very defensive, he ignores you, yells over you, and looks away. He also grits his teeth. At least I am not afraid of him anymore.
On a happier note, School is going great. I am having trouble in two classes, but I am working on them. Those two classes are economics, and grammar for writing. The English language is very complex, with so many rules, its ridiculous. What’s awesome is I have an A- in Government. Just barely passing Algebra Z(It’s a slower math class, for people who have trouble, like me) with a D. Passing Economics with a D. I have an A in Strategic Reading Class(My favourite class, cos its all about reading). But, things with school are going great. Another Happy note, I sort of met a guy. I met him on Facebook… I said I would never meet a guy on the Internet and consider anything with him, but I will try this out. We aren’t “dating” or anything like that at all yet, we are mainly getting to know each other. “Testing the waters”, if you will. He is very nice, he’s not my typical type, but maybe that’s a good thing since the last couple guys that were my “type” were failures and asses. He is a country boy, he loves working on trucks/cars, mudding, things like that. He is almost 17, which is okay cos I will be 16 in a month and 2 days. Who knows, maybe something could come of this, maybe not. We will just have to see what happens.
On a different note, they took my blood tests again a couple weeks ago and had to put me back on the medication cos the H. Pylori was still there, and higher than they’d like. So, I just have to finish the morning medication and I am done. They said that if it doesn’t work this time, they will have to do an endoscope. Which I don’t really want, but if necessary, then fine. Also, mom said that if they find my ulcer(s) they might cauterize them. So yeah.
And that’s all thats really happening. pce.
–Samm d’Massacre–
